BBC Six Music Podcasts.
Six Music.
This is a free download from the BBC.
Find out more at bbc.co.uk slash six music.
And now, Adam and Joe.
Hi, I'm Shanice Jetstream, and I'm the features editor for The Independent on Sunday.
Hi, I'm Marcus Wang, and I'm in charge of features for a new pull-out section for The Guardian.
As thrusting media types, it's part of our job remit to keep an eye on all the media out there in the country.
and last Tuesday we discovered the Adam and Jo podcast.
We thought it was a bit of a letdown because we've been checking out all the other podcasts here at the pull-out section and a lot of them are wicked and groovetastic but this one was a little bit crappy and also mono.
So why not just buy The Independent on Sunday next week?
Cos we're giving away a free DVD of Free Willy, the film about the big whale.
And that's better than this, isn't it?
Yeah?
Only joking, of course, listeners.
This is Adam.
Hey, my name's Joe Cornish.
And welcome to podcast number six.
Yeah, six is the number of Satan, an evil number, a number that strikes fear into all people who count.
666 is the number of Satan, not just six.
Yes, but six is one of the numbers in 666.
Not only that, but it is the number in 666, just done three times.
So you are thuffed.
Oh no, I hate being insulted.
What a show we've got for you condensed into this podcast this week, listeners.
On Text the Nation, we were chatting about car adverts that you'd like to see.
It was brilliant.
I don't think anyone's ever done that before.
I think it's a first.
We're going to get an award for it and we deserve it as well.
And also, of course, it's the triumphant return of Song Wars.
Hooray, at last, Song Wars.
Enjoy what's contained in this podcast.
Hope you enjoy it and we'll speak to you later.
Wow, I know the names of all the presidents of the United States of America in order.
What are they?
President Reagan, George Bush, Bill Clinton, Tony Blair.
Tony Blair.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's good, man.
That's impressive knowledge.
That's right back to the beginning of history as well.
The dawn of time.
The dawn of time.
Hello, this is Adam Buxton.
Hello, this is Joe Cornish.
It's a very nice morning here in London, if you're listening live.
Hope it's nice for you.
It's very windy, though, last night.
I think it's windy across the country.
Windy.
And I should warn you, last night I was sitting in the street in my car, like I do every now and then.
Good times.
And I looked out the window and a man opened the door of his van.
He opened it against, no, into the wind, so to speak.
Ooh.
A very strong gust of wind caught the door.
And blew it right off.
Immediately pushed it back and buckled it.
And then he couldn't close it again because it wouldn't fit back in the frame.
Everyone lives in fear of that moment.
It was like his life had been suddenly ruined by a completely unpredictable sudden force of nature.
There you go.
And about a minute later all his friends were gathered round and they were trying to ram the door shut.
Yeah.
They were trying to sort of batter the metal back into shape.
Wow.
It wouldn't happen.
It was like seeing an animal's arm wrenched off
Oh.
It were the car an animal.
Yeah.
And were the door an arm.
That sounds amazing.
But be careful out there.
It was a hurricane.
Would you say it was a hurricane?
My neighbor's motorbike fell over.
It's a hurricane.
He hasn't woken up yet.
He's gonna be angry.
It's a tornado, in fact, I would call it.
It's the wind of death.
The wind of death.
They're calling it the wind of death.
That's what they should call it in the papers.
Because, you know, after the earthquake,
The gusts of gloom, the gusts of gloom.
There's catkins and twigs all over the road this morning after the gusts of Satan.
It was windy.
It was quite scary though.
Did you get scared last night?
Windows rattling?
No.
No?
I got a little bit scared.
I woke up, I was having rattly dreams.
and i woke up and all the dreams were going rattly and i realized it was just the wind watch out here's another little bit it might be wicked it might be one of the weaker bits but that's cool i like weaker bits i can handle up to three
That's the tiny Minneapolis midget prince.
He's entirely purple.
That's racist, man.
Is it?
Yeah, it's racist.
You're out.
Against what?
Against the purple.
The purple people?
The tiny purple people.
Oompa Loompas are purple.
That's very racist.
Is anyone else purple?
To use the word Oompa Loompa.
Which Mr. Man was purple?
They're not called Oompa Loompas anymore.
Mr. Nosy?
Mr. Worry.
Humpty, Tudor's saying.
Humpty is not a Mr. Man.
Steve All the Mr. Men books have been banned.
Ricky Mr. Uppity.
Steve For being racist.
Ricky Really?
Steve They're very racist.
Ricky They're so racist.
Everyone's racist.
Steve So racist.
Um, good old Prince, eh?
Aww.
Ricky Well done, Prince.
Steve Well done, Prince.
Good old Prince.
Come here, Prince.
Well done.
Prince Harry I'm talking about.
Good old Prince Harry, yes.
He's coming home, he's coming home, he's coming, Harry's coming home.
That's the cover of one of the newspapers this morning, that's what it says.
How does a man's nose get that red?
I suppose he's been in the sun.
From drinking port in the sun.
That's true.
That's what he does out there.
They got him out there.
They got him a deck chair.
He sits there in the sun.
He drinks a lot of port.
That's not true at all.
He was right in the thick of it.
He was doing amazing work and he only just escaped being blown to bits and he's back in one piece.
Thank goodness.
Good.
Nice to have you back, Prince.
You're a genius.
Harry.
From Minneapolis.
No, I'm talking about Prince now.
Prince.
Yeah.
Prince has been... What?
He's been stationed in Afghanistan.
Prince is in Afghanistan.
Really?
He's singing to... There's a media blackout and we're breaking the story.
Yeah, exactly.
Wow.
He's never coming home though.
Not until he records a decent album.
They're not letting him back.
He dodges bullets by doing the splits.
That's right.
He's a genius.
And then he does a twirl and repels them back.
He's got the skills.
Text the nation.
Text, text, text.
Text the nation.
What if I don't want to?
Text the nation.
But I'm using email.
Is that a problem?
It doesn't matter.
Text!
And it's time for Text the Nation, here with Adam and Jo on BBC 6 Music on this glorious Saturday morning.
Or if you're listening again, this depressing Wednesday afternoon.
So the theme this week is car adverts.
Yeah, what's your favourite car advert at the moment Joe Cornish?
My favourite car advert is a new one I saw this week and it starts with just bits of cars like a door, a bumper, an engine and it kind of pulls out wider and you realise that they're being played like instruments.
Oh, how imaginative.
It's brilliant.
And then it pulls out even wider and it's a whole orchestra of car parts.
That's the exhaust pipe.
Is not the tune they play, but it's something similar.
Yeah.
And then we were watching this and me and my friend stroke friends were trying to guess what the tagline was going to be.
I thought it would have something to do with perfectly
tuned.
Very good.
Yeah, but it ended up being something else.
I can't remember, something about harmony maybe.
Right.
Like the road and your wheels in perfect harmony.
It wasn't that, it was something like that.
Well, in the olden days, they used to be much more based on personalities and stuff.
Like, what was the French girl called?
Oh, yes.
Papa.
Papa.
What was she called?
Mimi.
Nicole.
Nicole.
Of course, how could we forget?
I think she was called Mimi.
Mimi.
Yeah.
Papa.
Mimi.
That's true Nicole and there was not so long ago.
There was the chap from Holby City Jeremy Sheffield who I have had various encounters with yes your regular listen to the program and He did an advert where he was going off and romancing a French lady wasn't he and that was all about cars Yeah, there's also the cake one.
Yeah divides people I forget which car it's from
for
That's not true.
That's not true.
We'll just alienate all the car-loving listeners.
That's a humorous generalization there.
Calm down.
Why did you say that, Adam?
I was just taking your lead.
You started me on it.
I only say stuff if you think it's cool.
Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam.
We want you to try and come up with a new idea that's never been done before for a car advert.
That's the subject of Text the Nation.
I thought of one, right?
Yeah, what was yours?
Hamsters on a wheel in a cage.
Uh-huh.
It's a kid, and instead of little hamsters, he's got one of those elaborate hamster runs, with all sorts of tubes and wheels and things.
But there's little cars in there.
Little cars.
And that's all I'm talking about.
And they're going round and round.
How is that good?
How does that project a good image of the car?
It's just new, because the kid loves them.
and you're saying that the cars no wait wait wait wait wait they do tiny plops the cars out of the exhaust pipes right and the kid cleans them up and it's about being good for the environment okay you come up with better ones than this who's only necking miss
Get over it.
That's not a phrase you hear that much anymore.
It was very in vogue a few years ago.
It was a sort of Queenie phrase, wasn't it?
Get over it.
A bit like, talk to the hand, because the face ain't listening.
Girl.
Very aggressive voice.
Denial ain't... That's what it's like sometimes.
You're like an angry transvestite.
Well, that's what I'm saying.
At three in the morning on the New York subway.
Yeah, that's what they do.
That's what they used to do.
I'm not sure.
The angry transvestites probably have new lingo.
Maybe it is what I do.
At three in the morning?
Yeah.
On the underground.
I get my dress on, I go out on the underground and I say, talk to the hand because the face ain't listening.
It's nearly time for the news, but remember, Song Wars is coming up.
The relaunch of Song Wars.
We've already had a couple of emails.
Brian in Norfolk says, okay, steal yourself, Adam.
Adam's song is rubbish, and Joe's is much better.
Dot dot dot.
Not really.
You haven't even played them yet.
I just want to hear Adam have another on-air breakdown.
Come on.
But I do love him.
Yeah, yeah.
Listen, I'm not gonna rise to any of that.
I'm gonna take my defeat with good grace if it comes.
We won't know, of course, until next week.
Ted in Londre says, can I preemptively vote for Adam's song?
I don't want another Buxton Paddy to end the Song Wars fun.
What does that mean?
Paddy?
It's like a little pathetic meltdown.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
You're both going to struggle to match the Concordes French song, though.
The Flight of the Concordes, did they do a French song?
Yeah, they did.
It was very good.
Fou du fa fa.
Fou du fa fa.
Uh-oh.
Yeah, but ours were about actresses.
No, you know, come on.
The Concordes, they're geniuses.
We're not in their league, but we do our best and you'll hear what we've come up with within the next half an hour.
Hello, this is Jack Johnson, and you're listening to, um... Oh, I don't know.
Um... No, I'm sorry, I don't know.
Sorry.
Right.
You go with one bit of information at a time.
I was going to say this is Adam and Joe.
It's like Thompson and Thompson hosting a radio show.
Have you seen the cartoon version of Tintin?
Yeah.
And you know it's all mainly Canadians doing the voices.
Is it?
And I think it's... Well, it's a Belgian creation, of course.
Right.
Hergé was Belgian.
Right.
Well, it's a terrible stew of accents and influences on the cartoon version.
And, uh, Thompson and Thompson, they've got the worst British accents I've ever heard.
They're totally manglerized British accents.
I might try and record them and bring them in.
My son really likes it.
It sounds quite good.
Quite good, yeah.
And Tin, Tintin's voice is very odd as well.
Uh, I can't really do a good impression of it.
Canadian voices are odd.
It's a very odd accent.
Yeah.
Very difficult to do an impression of a Canadian.
That's right.
I find.
Yeah.
I don't really know anyone who does one.
Maybe we can get a sort of pathetic sounding Canadian to phone in and we can laugh at them.
That's a really good idea.
That's a good idea, isn't it?
It could be a regular feature.
Yeah.
We just, you know, announce a type of person.
They voluntarily call in.
And we can laugh at them.
We just mock them.
That's a good idea.
That's a good idea.
We could do it on TV too.
Just noises.
Like that?
Yeah.
whenever they say it.
Whenever they say it.
What is it about those two notes that are so risible?
That wouldn't have made Close Encounters quite so good, would it?
No.
If that's how they'd communicated with the alien.
That's right.
Yeah, is good, but have you tried?
I think you'll get a more immediate response from the aliens.
They get a different finger reply from the aliens.
You know, my children are obsessed with the Simpsons movie.
They rate it highly.
And my youngest son, Natty, who is coming up to his fourth birthday, has latched on as a role model to Nelson, the bully, who goes, ha ha ha.
And that's all Nat does now, is go around just sort of going, ha ha, in a really unpleasant way.
It's a useful tool in a child's arsenal.
Yeah, but he's not got to, you know, he's got to disavow himself of that particular tool, because otherwise he's going to get in trouble.
Already we're getting notes from the teachers.
Really?
Yeah, saying he's being a little uncommunicative.
He's a bad breed.
He's like Nelson.
He's latched on, he's watched the whole of the Simpsons movie and thought, there you go, Nelson.
He's the guy I'm going to be.
He's the king.
It's time for some wars.
It's the return of song wars after an absence of what?
Three weeks or something?
Three weeks.
What a terrible, parched, arid, desert-like stretch of time it's been.
The listeners have been clawing through the cracked mud, searching for morsels of musical sustenance.
They've found nothing.
And now these lovely moist sandwiches of sonics will be presented to their gobs.
Now this week's theme is foreign language songs.
I did one in French, Adam did one in Spanish.
We're going to start with my song and we have a fluent French speaker on the line to kind of assess my song.
His name is Aidan.
How are you doing Aidan?
Are you there?
Yes, I'm here, yes.
Bonjour, bonjour, mes vieux.
Ça va?
Ça va bien, et vous?
Yeah, we could talk, mate.
You're a French teacher, is that right?
I am indeed, yes.
So you're charged with... 16 years, mom and boy.
Really?
And are you good?
Do your pupils like you?
They hate me.
Do they really?
No.
Some of them love me.
And Aidan, are you the kind of teacher, what's your surname incidentally?
Doherty.
Doherty, so you're Monsieur Doherty, Monsieur Doherty, do you make them call you Monsieur Doherty?
I do indeed, yes.
Are you one of these teachers... Pardon Monsieur, je peux aller à la poubelle, instead of, excuse me sir, can I go to the bin, for example.
Exactly right.
Do you, so you speak French all the time in your classes, you would walk in the room and everything you say would be in French, is that right?
Well yes, mostly.
Yeah, apart from things like, why do you not have your homework done?
Which needs more directness.
But apart from that, yeah.
Yeah, if they start speaking in English, you say, en français s'il vous plait!
Of course.
Right.
And have you taken expeditions to France?
Not for a while.
You see, I teach in Kourin, which is about 4 million maids from France.
We don't have the channel.
We have to go through England.
It's really a 10 days camel race.
Plus, it's a liability, man.
You take the teens out there, they get all crazy, huffed up on it.
That's an important part of anyone's childhood.
It's a trip to France.
And then there's the big maids that everybody wants to buy.
that's the what you can buy man France is full of the fireworks throwing stars loose women that all the presenters of that program loose women there and anyone can snog their flabby old faces
So let's hear Joe's song, and Aidan, listen very carefully.
We're going to want you to tell us whether you think Joe's use of French was a. Accurate, b. Creative, c. Well, give us a c. Fun.
Fun!
Okay, so here's his song all about the lovely actresses of France.
Okay.
Ah, j'adore les actrices françaises Juliette Bénoche, avec une brioche Flannerie le long de rive gauche Paris jetée Regarde Pépé Tristal et son ami Pascal Acheter du pain de boulangerie
Ah, les baguettes!
I love Fanny.
Okay.
Vanessa Paradis, oh la la.
En vacances à Nice, manger une glace citron sous l'arbre plat.
Oh, un citron.
Et voici Sophie Marceau, reposée sur une pédalo.
Lecteur, le nouveau scénario de François Zozon.
C'est pas mal.
foreign
I'm not sure le poupidou is an actual commonly used French phrase.
Is it, Aidan?
Can you tell us that?
It's not particularly... Oh, le poupidou.
It sounds a bit like Pompidou, which is the big shop in Paris.
Is it a shop or is it not a Richard Rogers designed art gallery?
It is, but you can buy things on it.
The Centre Pompidou.
Yeah, it's got a gallery shop, hasn't it?
It has, yeah.
You can buy pencils and... I've out-French'd you there.
I'm more French than you are, mate.
I'm just... yeah.
So, Aidan, how was the grammar that Joe was using in there?
Okay.
Now, I have to turn teacher here, obviously, gentlemen, so... A couple of grammatical errors.
Not very many, just a couple.
What were they?
Well, actrice, as you know, is feminine plural.
So, toutes les actrices.
Well, that's what I said.
You said tout les actrices.
Tout, tout les actrices?
Well, you know, I'm not going to argue.
Fair enough, fair enough, good, fair enough.
I'm taking it on the chin.
I'm taking it on the chin, sir.
I might follow you home.
The only other thing was voulez-vous.
I think you said fair, or sorry, I think you said fait l'amour.
It should have been fair.
It should have been the infinitive, not the past participle.
So how would you say that?
I'm very happy with it.
How would you say that, sir?
Voulez-vous faire l'amour avec moi?
Down to a B, I think.
How would you grade that, monsieur?
Well, again, apart from that, as I say, you did more or less what I would tell the kids in school.
You stuck with what you knew and you kept it simple.
Babelfish.
8 out of 10.
8 out of 10.
B+.
B. Give him a B. Give him a B. Aidan, thanks very much.
That's very kind of you to cooperate in this stupid charade.
What?
He's talking to you in your own stupid language.
Don't you talk to me like that or I will ram a baguette in your nose.
yeah but thank you very much indeed and good luck with your teaching you're a great man people like you should be celebrated more than the actors at the Oscars exactly yeah they should do some kind of film with Robin Williams about you about you cheers Aidan thanks very much didn't sound very excited about that film take care bye bye now we will we will do the same thing with my track we will be talking to a Spanish-speaking expert after this
Hi, this is A Sexy Woman, and you're listening to the highlights of the Adam and Jo BBC Six Music show.
Ooh, this podcast has got me so hot.
I'm too hot.
I'm gonna have to sit down and take off my cardigan.
Oof.
I'm boiling.
So we're in the midst of Song Wars, our weekly battle of self-composed songs, this week on the theme of foreign language.
I've done mine in French, Adam's done his in Spanish, both about actresses.
And we are playing the songs to some fluent foreign language-speaking mentors.
Some people that can speak the language.
So who have we got on the line?
This is Lydia Pollack on the line.
She lives in Barcelona.
She's actually listening to this programme in Barcelona.
Hi, are you there, Lydia?
Hello, hola, buenos días.
What are you doing listening to this when you're in Barcelona?
Well, I was just doing some work and I got up early.
I didn't go out last night so I got up early doing some work and then I'm off to a barbecue so it's kind of doing myself on a Saturday morning.
How's the weather in Barcelona?
Oh, it's lovely, yeah.
It's quite hazy, but it's warm.
About 20 degrees or so.
Is there any time difference there in Barcelona?
You're one hour ahead, aren't you?
One hour, that's right, yeah.
I'm imagining you in a kind of sexy silky dress, in a sort of a tiled front room with very beautiful furniture.
And it's beautiful outside, the windows are sunny, there are exotic birds fluttering in and out.
Yeah, that'll be pretty much accurate.
That's it, and there's a bowl of paella on the side.
No, no, it's a bit early for lunch, you see.
They have lunch a bit later here.
Yeah.
You've got your castanets by the phone there.
That's right, yeah.
What do you do for a living in Barcelona there, Lydia?
I'm a teacher too.
Are you?
Like the previous caller, yeah.
Like Aidan, and what do you teach?
Well, I teach English, not French.
Okay, right, right.
So you teach English to Spanish students.
That's right, yeah.
And obviously you are fluent in Spanish.
That's right.
How long have you lived there?
I've been here for about seven years now.
right okay and it's a long time yeah very enjoyable i would imagine i love spain and i really wish i could spend a good amount of time there so i could get back into the language but he's hitting on you lydia and he wants to stay at your house yeah yeah that's what i was getting adam come and stay at your house and touch you just adam
touch you in the night.
Why did you have to add that on?
Because everyone knows that's what you're thinking.
Now Lydia, let's get off this whole jag, shall we?
And I'll play you my track.
This is a track that I've written entirely in Spanish.
I really laboured hard to try and get some rhymes in here and it's fairly densely worded so the grammar of the thing... Yeah, I did listen to it.
Right.
I did listen to it and I listened to it with my flatmate as well who's Spanish.
Lydia?
hold on to those judgments because we're going to hear the song again uh and then we're going to find out exactly what you think about it so here we go i can smell this person's soul and i want to get to know him you know
Penelope Cruz me gusta si estaba en Vanilla Sky y Gothica y Blue y volver que no he visto y otros no he visto se parecen embotados pero ella es bonita Yo soy Penelope Cruz hola yo tengo pelo negro y ojos hermosos pero veneno yo tengo estaría alegre conducir un alegro y después haga una mierda gigante
Penelope Cruz, mi llamo si mis largas pestañas fueron hechos para ti.
Penelope Cruz, mi llamo si estaba en Sahara y capturé mis mandolins.
Oh, perdóneme, es mi estómago ácido.
Ay, caramba, era un almuerzo largo.
Music and singing.
So there you go, I was trying to do a little Penelope Cruz impression there, because she has a very particular way of speaking and it's sort of the, I use this word too often, but quintessential kind of Spanish... I can't believe you used that word again.
Accent, sorry man.
Boring.
Lydia, are you still there?
Have you taken your own life?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, hi.
You're there, good.
So listen, let's start with your understanding of those lyrics.
What was that song about?
I didn't understand a word.
Well, the song was that he was basically going through Penelope Cruz films, and some that he hadn't seen, like Volver,
Yeah.
Right.
What was the first bit about?
I don't know.
I didn't catch all of it.
And as I said, I listened to it earlier with my flatmate and we didn't really catch all of it.
So you were both... So, hang on.
Her name is Penelope Cruz.
Let's get this straight.
You're both fluent Spanish speakers and you don't understand it.
Well, she's actually Spanish, so yeah.
Well, I'll say this for you now.
It says, Yo soy Penelope Cruz.
Hola, yo tengo pelo negro.
I am Penelope Cruz.
Hello.
Ah, okay.
Penelope Cruz.
I've got black hair.
Yeah.
Y ojos hermosos, pero pene no yo tengo.
Ah, that's why.
What does that say?
Hang on, translate it.
She didn't understand.
Gotta be marks off for that.
Baffling and actual, that didn't happen with my guy.
And how about this then?
Obviously, remember it's a family show.
It would be nice to drive a Alegro.
I would be happy driving a... what's an allegro?
What's an allegro?
It's a car, isn't it?
I'd be happy driving an allegro!
You know nothing about Penelope Cruz.
She would be happy making abstract statements that could apply to anybody.
Y después haga una mierda gigante.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Can I say that or not?
No, don't say the actual words.
And afterwards she would go to the loo in a big way.
In a big way, yeah.
Let's do a big one.
This song is lowering in my estimation.
It's filthy.
And how about this?
This is actually based on an incident in Penelope's life.
Mis largas pestañas fueron hechos para ti.
Okay, so she's saying that my long eyelashes were made for you.
There you go.
Was that an incident in her life?
Yes, because she did this- Oh, you call that an incident?
No, she did this L'Oreal ad for this eyelash stuff that was supposed to make your eyelashes look longer, and it turned out that they'd stuck falsies on her for the ad.
It was a scandal, and I worked it into the song in Spanish!
I'm a kind of genius!
Well, that deserves points.
So Lydia, listen, in a sort of brief few seconds, tell us what you thought of that song.
Out of ten, for instance.
Um, at 8 out of 10 I'd give it 7 and a half.
Oh, miss!
Uh, A, B or C?
Plus or minus?
Um, I'll give it a B plus.
Watch out, here's another little bit.
It might be wicked, it might be one of the weaker bits.
But that's cool, I like weaker bits.
I can handle up to three.
there are some extremely good ideas coming in for car ads okay here we go here we go this is a slightly filthy one from kings and russ our car advert would involve long lingering shots of two older cars at it petrol dripping from the exhaust of a post coital ford fiesta as it dismounts from a golf cart
before cutting to the birth of our new vehicle a Toyota Prius.
That's a very good idea, very good idea.
You know, Lily Allen would like that.
She'd probably play that as a clip on her show because it features two things rutting.
Yes.
And she'd giggle.
She would.
Nat in Camden.
Yeah.
This could be your son, Nat.
He's left home.
He's gone to live with Pete Doherty and a couple of lads wearing Winkle Pickers and Top Hats in Camden.
Buying Ganesh products.
Yeah, and he's started texting his dad's show.
Roadkill type animals, for example, a huge, what?
For example, a hedgehog gleefully driving and splatting people on their windscreens.
Genius.
Okay, that's a very good reversal.
I feel like maybe that's even been done, that's so... Woodland creatures driving cars, humans like insects, splatting on the windscreen.
I don't know that's been done, but if it hasn't, that's just a great idea.
Tagline, it turns your world upside down, says Nat.
I'm not sure about that tagline.
It's good enough, man.
Do you think?
Yeah, you shouldn't overestimate the public.
You're right.
You should never do that.
Here's another one.
Don't give them any credit.
This is from Liz.
This is really good.
Uh-huh.
as our lovely car goes by, little squeals of delight and awe.
Sententious opinions about they have seen mixed with wild admiration.
Don't know what that sentence means.
They're animal versions of bird spotters.
Yeah, sententious thoughts about what they've seen, right, so they're all being, yeah, they're nerds.
They're nerdy.
But that's pretty good, isn't it?
Like little I Spy books full of cars.
Yeah.
And the woodland animals.
I mean that's very cheeky because the cars kill the animals.
Exactly, that's deeply cynical.
Yeah, deeply cynical but therefore a bullseye.
That's right.
Good.
This is from Chris in Durham.
Here's a selection of ideas for car adverts.
Cars made of cheese driving along roads made out of crackers.
Mmm.
You see he's got a whole new visual environment there.
Absolutely.
And one that we can all associate with.
Cheese and crackers.
Yeah.
You're not a fan of cheese, are you Adam?
Personally I don't like cheese but I love crackers.
Here's another one.
Cars as Russian dolls
i.e.
a supermini inside a small family car, inside an estate car, inside a 4x4, inside an articulated lorry.
That's good, isn't it?
That is good.
These are all from Chris in Durham.
Monkeys driving cars off cliffs.
is another one.
What?
I don't quite get the idea of that but it would certainly be spectacular.
Yeah.
People would talk about it.
That's all you need.
People love monkeys and nuns and midgets.
You can't fail.
Exactly.
Perhaps one advert could amalgamate all three ideas.
Chris, you are on fire.
Get yourself down to Purvis, Tottenbridge and... Wendell Farm.
Bootstain.
Wendell Farm and get a job.
Phil Inchorley says millions of tiny ants, as opposed to giant ones, come as one, forming a giant car that weaves through mountains and trees before crashing into something, then splitting back into the hordes of ants that scurry back into their nests, a little sore but happy.
Yeah.
What is that saying about the car?
Um... I mean it's a visual feast.
It needs a catchphrase, doesn't it?
Yeah.
Um... Let's go... Got ants in your pants?
Get into your car and drive somewhere nice.
That's good, man.
You just came up with that.
I just diddled it.
Ants in your pants.
Yeah, you shouldn't say diddle.
I know we were talking about the cynical world of car advertising before, but it competes pretty well with the cynical world of television in general, and particularly MTV.
And I never thought of MTV as being a particularly cynical channel, did you?
No, but MTV reached a kind of nadir at their last awards, where Kanye West, I think, walked out.
Right.
Because he complained about how he was being treated.
And Timberlake, Timblecake, and various other people took the opportunity to protest about MTV not playing any pop videos.
Right.
The fact that it's just turned into the most kind of, you know, it's exploitative, the right word, but very kind of shameless TV channel.
Well, yeah, I mean, that's certainly the word for Carrie Katona's program, which is called Crazy in Love, I think.
I've seen posters for this showing her in a straight jacket.
She's heavily pregnant and she's in a straight jacket.
Always a good combination.
It's great, isn't it?
Great for the kids.
Very provocative.
Well, that's putting a positive spin on it.
I mean, it's one of the yuckiest posters I've ever seen.
One of the most unpleasant images that I can ever think of.
You know what I mean?
What about the show itself?
Did you watch that?
The show itself certainly lives up to the yuckiness of the poster, I would say.
Because they make a big song and dance about the fact that she's been diagnosed as bipolar.
Britney Spears has got it.
Well, some people are saying that Kerry Katona is like the British Britney, you know.
Who's saying that?
Oh, people.
A vagrant.
I read it in Grazia.
Grazia?
Yes, there was a copy of Grazia and I read it.
But I think that it's a shame that no one's looking out for her because it's a really weird show.
Okay, so if she really is bipolar or manic-depressive, whatever you want to call it, that's not a condition that should be taken lightly and she certainly shouldn't be making a grotesque, boring reality show on MTV if she's suffering from that, surely.
It's just bizarre.
I was watching the show, and she seems to be permanently pregnant.
But not only pregnant, but... It's all that Iceland food she's got in there.
Right.
She's not actually pregnant.
Have you seen what she has at Christmas?
What does she... yeah, she has a lot.
She has... she gets nine of every product in Iceland.
That's right.
Spreads it, and then she invites all these people around in gaudy sweaters.
Yeah.
And they have... they just all eat and puke and eat and puke and eat and puke.
It's like Mr. Creosote.
And the ice cream she has, it's got cheese and fish fingers in it.
There's combinations of turkey and, I don't know, spaghetti.
And you don't even have to defrost it.
No, you don't have to defrost it.
You just shove it in the kids.
Not even in their mouth, just in their faces.
They love it.
And then they all smoke fags and go and swing on tiny little swings.
And then they get pregnant.
Then they get pregnant.
Then they get a reality show.
What a life.
Then they go mad, get mentally ill, and it's all thumbs up.
They get a series from MTV.
Ka-ching.
Wow.
You've talked me round.
You know what?
We're being so censorious when this is exactly what we should be doing.
Exactly.
To get ourselves back in the public eye.
I'm a crusty old
You, get mentally ill.
I'll get pregnant.
We'll buy a whole lot of food from Iceland.
We'll call MTV.
Bish, bash, bosh.
It's a plan.
Success.
Sweet.
There we go.
We hope you enjoyed that podcast.
Don't forget you can listen to the show live as it goes out between 9am and noon every Saturday on BBC 6 Music.
And of course it's always an option for the week after the show goes out to do listen again.
You can hear the whole of the show with music and news and everything.
Trails.
Options.
It's all in there.
Mint, orange or vanilla.
Options.
Yeah.
For women.
If you're an options fan or a woman you might like to have everything kept in there.
You know that advert with the aero bubbly drink and all the bubbles of chocolate go around the kitchen?
Oh yeah.
And you know what they say about when you break wind?
That it's little molecules of pop.
Nothing, just saying.
It's quite similar.
It's like one of them's trumped in the kitchen.
It's a visual representation of a giant disastrous... There's something different about this drink.
out of Pinty Pop.
I know.
It smells of your ****.
Yeah, thanks for listening.
We'll see you next week.
Cheerio, bye.
If you enjoyed the Adam and Jo podcast, then why not try the John Richardson podcast?
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bbc.co.uk slash six music.